my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
