Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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