Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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