There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she peed on how many people?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
