the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
