One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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