meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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