First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
