his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
