You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
