I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
