her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I sprained my soul last night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
