After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
