I am puke
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
