Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
