Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
