Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize