Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
