How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
