Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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