Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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