I got chris browned last night
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
