there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
