So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
