Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
