Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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