I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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