Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
