i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
