Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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