I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My cat gives me a boner
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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