census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Randomize
