I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
