I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
