im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
