who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
