my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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