just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
ttyl tear gas
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
