I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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