btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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