Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
