Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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