If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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