Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Enjoy the penises
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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