He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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