i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
