how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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