Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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