is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
