last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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