Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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