I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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