i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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