you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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