got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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