i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
