Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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