Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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