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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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