sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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