none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
