if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
