Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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