the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
