not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
