i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm too high and old for this...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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