okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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