I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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