My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
