your thong is hanging out like whoa
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
