It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
