guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
